The Burnt Yam
by pandmaccauley
Summary: Young orphan, Errol Brandywine has nowhere left to go. Raised on stories of the hi-jinx and heroics of the pirates of yore, he seeks out the Captain of the Fearsome ship, The Burnt Yam. But will the pirate life agree with him, or will it prove him to be a soggy landlubber?
1. Chapter 1- The Ship

The sun sets deep beyond the horizon turning the sea into a haze of colors violently crashing with each fallen crest of the waves against the harbor. The young boy swallows and pulls his sack further over his shoulder, bending his back to reduce the strain as he lugs his few valuables towards the dock. He had to do this quickly. He needed to be on board before they left. He scuttles towards the ominous espresso planks of the one ship off by itself. A few men walk past, eyeing him wearily. Errol pauses and looks up at the ominous ship once more. The figurehead stares ahead, a curvy Pear, sensually giving herself to the ocean. The name of the ship is carved out on the side and Errol swallows again. The Burnt Yam. He lets his feet scurry up as he boards the ship, looking around for a good place to hide. He finds a barrel that had yet to be filled with supplies and he tucks himself in, squeezing his round belly into the barrel, a feat not so easy. He winces feeling the wood scrape against his red flesh as he looks back to the town he had been raised in. He thinks of his mother and how much he missed her. To leave was painful, but he had nowhere else to go. A couple men board and Errol tucks himself as far into the barrel as he could. A voice booms nearby, crusty and scarred by the salt of the sea.

"Yeh'd bedder herry up an' rafill er supplies. Weh sail soon as sun rises."

"Yes, Captain." One of the men replies and walks over to the barrels, dumping a sack of crystal pellets on Errol. The boy grunts feeling the weight of it crush his belly. His eyes bulge. Oh no. He'll be found for sure. He waits in silence, feeling the tension rise before a scarred purple face peers down at him. Errol feels his face drain as the man grabs him and pulls him out.

"Who are yeh an why are yeh on my ship?" The Captain asks.

"I want to be a pirate!"

"Boy, I 'ave no time fer games! Ge' off meh ship!"

"Please! Take me with you!" Errol begs and the man snorts.

"Take yeh with me? Th' sea is no place fer a yung tom-ay-toh such as yerself. Jus' look at yehself! Fresh off th' vine yeh are! Why yeh wan ta join me crew?"

"I 'ave nowhere else to go, Captain, sir. Please!" The young tomato stares into the Captain's dark purple face that had weathered upon the salty sea. He wondered if he would age just the same or if his skin were too soft.

"Where's yer mudder?"

"Squeezed to death, Captain."

"An' yer fadder?"

"Taken as a slave to serve the Romas, sir."

"Aye, the Romas." Captain Eggplant walks to his chair and reclines in it, eyeing his mug of Miracle Ale. He sighs and glares at the deck hands as they stare at the scene. They quickly scuttle to complete their preparations. "I' won' be easy, boy. Yeh un'erstand? Th' sea is a harsh mistress fer a yung fruit an' I 'ave no room on me ship fer a fruit as soft as yeh."

"But Captain, you're a fruit! I can be just like you! I swear it!" Captain Eggplant blinks before laughing heartily.

"Aye, boy. Yeh'll need to toughen yerself up, bu' I think yeh'll fit in nicely wi' the crew. Yeh go' a name, Tomaytoh?"

"Errol Brandywine, Captain!"

"Well, Brandywine, welcum aboard th' Burnt Yam."


	2. Chapter 2- The Carrot

"'Ey, Captain!" Errol glances up from the mop he had pressed to the deck, his cherry red cheeks flushed with the labors of his chores. The good Captain had put him to work immediately, feeling they were behind schedule on their departure. A tall carrot strides up past him to where the Captain was standing. "What do you mean to tell the whores to turn me away? I have good money," he throws down a coin purse. Errol jumps hearing the loud clang as a couple coins spill forth. He hears the carrot continue, "And I want to spend it how I please." Captain Eggplant's eyes narrow.

"Wha' makes yeh think i' was my doin', Carro'?"

"They said the Good Captain told them not to accept my offers," the carrot sneers. "You dirty old bag. Mum always told me not to trust a fruit!" The carrot spits at his Captain's feet. Errol watches as Captain Eggplant's eyes flick to him.

"Yeh shuld be thankin' me, Carro'. Th' women in this pert are known ta give men the rot. Can yeh no' smell i' in th' air, Carro'? Tha's ethylene! I promise yeh. An' I need me men a' their bes', now, don' I? So say, 'Thank Yeh, Cap'n' an go fin' Spear." The carrot glares defiantly before huffing and looking away.

"Thank you, Captain." He whips around and stomps off to go find the one they called The Spear. Errol watches him go before looking back to the Captain who was no longer at the helm.

"Yeh shoul' pay more attention ta swabbin' th' decks, Brandehwine an' less to th' tantrums of Carro'."

"He disrespected you, Captain!"

"Oh, aye. Bu' tha's 'Emlock Carro' fer yeh. They say 'e was poison from th' day 'e sprouted." Captain Eggplant chuckles warmly. "'e jus' needs ta blow off some steam. I's boilin' taday, no?"

"I guess, but-"

"Le' me werry bou' ol' Carro', Brandehwine. You jus' make sure Spear can see 'imself in them decks by th' time Carro' returns wif 'im."

"Is it true that all Asparaguses are vain?"

"No' all, bu' this one is." The captain winks at the young tomato and Errol couldn't help wondering what he got himself into. Captain Eggplant was nice enough, but... he was a pirate. And you don't get to command the likes of Hemlock Carrot by being nice. "Th' Spear is tall an' 'e doesn' like hunchin', so I suggest yeh get busy wi' them floors, tomaytoh. Unless yeh wan' spear ta be pissed off all th' time? 'is reflection keeps 'im calm."

"N-no, Captain!" Errol pushes the mop around hastily as the Captain walks off, back to his helm. Errol frowns. THe floors were dull and scraped. How was he supposed to make them shine enough for a reflection? His eyes widen. Perhaps he wasn't so kind after all.


	3. Chapter 3- The Spear

Hemlock returns dragging a tall slightly charred Asparagus with him and Errol swallows, hoping the Asparagus could see enough of himself in the floors. "Get on the bloody ship, Spear." The asparagus makes an abnormal veggie noise, growling and scratching before going still seeing Captain Eggplant's scowl. The Spear straightens up and nods to the Captain who then sweeps his eyes to the tomato.

"This is Errol Brandehwine, th' newes' member o' th' Burnt Yam. Consider 'im a deckhan' an' be sure ta look af'er him. Both o' ya."

"Ugh. Babysitting, Captain?" Captain Eggplant pulls Hemlock aside and mutters something to him. Hemlock glances back at the boy curiously as Errol looks up at the Spear meekly. The Spear leers down at him before shoving him aside and bending down to examine the floors.

"I-I polished the floors, Mr. Spear, sir." The Spear growls at him in response and Errol shrinks from him. The Spear turns his attention back to the floor and he cocks his head, staring. Errol jumps feeling a hand land on his stem. He looks up seeing the orange face of the Carrot staring down at him.

"He's pleased."

"No, sir. He growled at me."

"Get used to it. Spear doesn't speak."

"O-oh."

"Captain wants a word with you. Don't keep him waiting."

"Y-yes, sir." Errol scurries off, glancing back as the Spear continues to stare at the floors, guttural noises spurning from the depths of his soul, almost singing in pleasure. Errol makes it up to the helm as Captain Eggplant grabs the wheel.

"We're goin' now. Las' chance ta stay wi' th' ones ya love."

"No one is left, sir. Not since my mother died."

"Then le's test yer sea legs, Brandehwine." The Captain starts delivering orders and Errol looks around in wonder as the Pear leads them towards the horizon. And so the adventure begins.


	4. Chapter 4- Jean Paul Amibe

Errol tosses his round face over the edge of the yam, ejecting juice and seeds into the ocean below. Captain Eggplant chuckles. "Th' sea too much fer yeh, Brandehwine?"

"I-I'm fine, Captain." Errol replies meekly. He wasn't fine at all. He had no idea the sea could be this rough. "H-how long til we dock again?"

"We're almos' there. Yeh e'er been ta France, tomaytoh?" The tomato looks back at his purple face.

"No, sir. I've never been outside of my town before. I'm told we may have been descended from the Amish."

"Yer a pirate now, tomaytoh. Don' go geddin all Amish on me now."

"No, sir. Of course not. So what's in France?"

"We have sum good friends who we like ter... trade with." Errol nods and looks across the deck seeing The Spear rubbing his face against the shiny floors, dinosaur-like shrieks of joy emitting from his mouth. Hemlock stands at the bow, watching the land draw ever nearer.

"Is Mr. Carrot always so on edge?"

"Sumtimes. Sumone he's known fer a long tyme lives 'ere."

"A friend?"

"No, Brandehwine. Have yeh e'er seen an amoeba?"

"I think so. You can see through them like when an onion peels, right?"

"Yes. If yeh see 'im 'ere, I wan' yeh ta run."

"Is he dangerous?"

"Mos'ly ta Carro'. Bu' all th' same. Stay away frum 'im."

"Yes, Captain." The Spear shrieks and Errol jumps.

"Go an' shine th' floor fer Spear, would yeh? Seems he's smudged it." Errol quickly scurries for his mop to clean the spot as The Spear crawls to the other side of the ship and finds a new reflective spot to stare at himself in. The Ship pulls up to the dock and Hemlock leaps onto the pier.

"Carro'!" Captain Eggplant calls after him to no avail. Hemlock heads to the market.

"I'll get you this time, Amoeba." He pulls his sword from his belt and whirls around, his sword meeting a rapier.

"Hon hon hon, Monsieur Carrot. You'll have to be quicker than that!" Hemlock's eyes narrow.

"Jean Paul Amibe. Let's settle this, shall we?"

"Oui. En garde, Monsieur Carrot. May ze best man win."


	5. Chapter 5- The Insult

"I do wish you would quit stalking me, Amibe."

"Not until you apologize for what you have done!" Jean Paul slices at the Carrot and Hemlock leaps atop a bench and slices the amoeba in half. Jean Paul puts himself together instantly and tries to skewer the pirate.

"I think she should apologize first."

"Have you no shame!?"

"Oh I have lots, and I simply couldn't bear to accept any more at the hands of Jeanette!" Hemlock chuckles, slicing through the amoeba again. Jean Paul's eyes narrow.

"I shall enjoy making a kebob out of you, you... you... poisonous ovary!" Hemlock grits his teeth and quarters his opponent.

"A poisonous ovary that almost bedded your sister!"

"Don't talk about Jeanette! She is a good woman!"

"She'd have to be with that face of her and that shapeless form."

"Not everyone wants to be so orange!" Jean Paul slashes at Hemlock only to hear a voice behind him.

"Jean Paul! No! Stop!" Jeanette runs between them and throws her arms around Hemlock. The pirate shoves her off, gagging as he feels her cytoplasm stick to him.

"He should pay for what he's done to you!"

"But I love him!" Hemlock slashes through Jean Paul again before seeing his Captain's stare across the market.

"This isn't over, Amibe." Hemlock walks towards the eggplants disapproving face and Jean Paul glances over at the Captain. He shudders. Very few stories were told about Captain Eggplant, but the ones that were were horrible enough to make your cytoplasm shrivel. Yes. They would continue this fight later. Jean Paul wraps an arm around Jeanette and leads her away, desperately wishing she had fallen for any other angiosperm but him.


	6. Chapter 6- The Threat

Errol follows his Captain and peers into a dimly lit room. The reflection off a polished sword gleams in his eyes as it finds its way between the floor boards. He glances to the Captain as the Eggplant leers over a banana menacingly. "Tell me' why I shoul'n't jus' peel yeh righ' now. Yeh stole from me crew. Yeh shoulda known bedder 'en tha'." The eggplant quivers in fear, his eyes flicking over to the tomato. Captain Eggplant follows his gaze and his brow hardens. "Seems we have a visiter." Hemlock glances over and smirks, striding to the door. Errol flinches and tries to run, but the carrot catches him.

"In you go. You want to see our business? Let's give you a proper view." Captain Eggplant smirks. Errol looks from the carrot to the eggplant and back to the banana.

"S-sir, I-"

"Quie', Brandehwine!" Errol squeaks and Captain Eggplant looks back to the banana. "This banana... he stol' frum us. DIDN' YEH?!" The eggplant shouts and the banana winces, his eyes wide and watery.

"Wh-what did he steal?" The tomato asks and Hemlock scoffs.

"Does it matter?"

"He stol' mah gol'."

"Please. My family-!" The banana starts and he cries out as Captain Eggplant digs into his stem.

"Sir, please!" Errol begs. "What if he gives it back?"

"Tha's no' tha poin', Brandehwine. Yeh ne'er steal frum meh."

"I'm sorry!" The banana sobs. "My family was starving!"

"I don' care. Is no' mah job ta care fer yeh, and yeh shoul've known bedder."

"Sir, please!" Errol breaks into sobs. "He didn't mean any harm."

"Take this as a lessen, Brandehwine. No one crosses me." Captain Eggplant splits the banana revealing the soft flesh beneath. Errol cries as the banana's screams fill the room before dying out. Errol bolts out the door. What had he gotten himself into?


End file.
